Nappy wipes: aaaarrrggg!

I accept that life can sometimes be complicated.

But you know what doesn’t need to be complicated?

Nappy wipes.

I mean, seriously. How can something so basic cause me so much stress?

So, I’ve got Pumpkin up on the changing mat. She’s not happy about it because she’s a toddler now and has important toddler things to do.

Much more important than having a clean bum – at least in her mind.

But, I’ve appeased her with some random object from the table that she’s been eyeing up all afternoon, but has thus far been unable to reach. The now flattened box that the Sudocrem came in, perhaps, one of her socks from yesterday or her hairbrush. Oh, where did that Sharpie even come from? Well, hopefully the lid stays on

She’s now happily chewing on said object, but dropping it occasionally and screaming bloody murder until I hand it back to her each time.

I’ve mentally prepared myself for the vast amount of poop I’m about to have to deal with. For a kid who now insists on yoghurt being a finger food, and barely wants to eat anything else, she sure manages to fill her nappies.

I take a deep breath, pray to any of the gods that might be listening and undo the little green straps on her Pampers.

In one swift movement, I remove the nappy, taking a good portion of poop with it. But not all.

I’m holding her feet up with one hand, the nappy in my other – and I seem to have grown a third, because at that moment, Pumpkin sees something else she wants to play with, starts twisting and screaming for that object instead, which I somehow manage hand over.

Still holding her feet up and trying to keep her poopy bum from touching the changing mat, I reach for the wipes and chastise myself for not preparing these before the nappy-removal stage.

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I open the package, knowing what’s about to happen. I reach for a wipe, tug at it, and out it comes.

With one, two, three, four, five, six, seven of its friends. Now, I’m standing, holding the feet of a squirmy toddler and a strand of wipes – far too long to do anything useful with.

Pumpkin starts wiggling. She’s dropped that ‘toy’ and I lose hold of her feet. Now there’s poop on the changing mat. I’m still trying to separate those wipes and swearing like a sailor at them in my head.

Seriously – I’ve tried lots of different wipe brands now. And they ALL have this problem. Except for one brand – but those wipes just disintegrate between my fingers as I try to pull them out of the packaging.

I manage to get one wipe to let go of its friends – maybe it was aware of what was about to happen to it, so it held on as hard as it could. But that’s the fate of a nappy wipe, I’m afraid. Then I free another, which I use to clear off the mat.

As I finish separating wipes and using them, Pumpkin decides it’s her turn to play with the wipe packaging. She reaches in, grabs hold of the top one and pulls it out.

Just. One.

Then one more. Then one more. Soon, she has pulled as many out as I did. But one at a time.

I take the package and try again myself. Another strand of connected wipes come out.

So, I hand the package back to Pumpkin. She pulls another single wipe out, then looks up at me and giggles.

FFS.